Beautiful

I woke up by Him telling me that I was so beautiful he would now smile all day.

How irresistible is that?

Nevertheless he is only a man/boy. Yesterday I used a tie to pin him to my bedframe then made myself come whilst giving him a brilliant blowjob. 

Im good. 

Connubiality

I am getting used to having him around every night once again. This autumn, with my room in disarray and a temperature of about 14 degrees, I spent most my time either in his, slightly warmer room, or with him in my bed, as a virtuous radiator. Lately we have both needed more space to breath and deal with university issues, however this is the first night since thursday that I shall be sleeping alone.

Though I was in a tremendous hurry this morning/lunchtime his horniness was enough to convince me that I deserved even more sex. 

With his always very impressive morning hardness he did a good taking me from behind up against a wall. Until my arms started cramping and we needed to move into my cramping bed. He suggested the floor, but I can't really remember the last time the hoover worked. So perhaps not. 

Note to self: clean floor, and maybe desk. Need more space for sexual endeavors.

Achilles' tears

Photo of Him and his best friend, last girl he slept with before me, in bed together with implied nudity. I think what hurt me most was that they seemed so happy, and that I too well know the power of close friends, especially those who have been you a tad too close.

Of course, its an old photo, naturally I am overreacting but as I write insight comes to me. Its the vulnerability. Because this isn't the ex he doesn't speak to, this is his closest female friend. 

Another Femme Fatale. And though his innocent brain may not figure it now I certainly know, he has my weak point. he could hurt me more than anyone. 

I bide my time. Brutality is, it would only be, if I hurt him first. 

Currents

I am filled with love. He is the only one on my mind currently.

And horrendous streaks of jealousy of his ex-girlfriend slowly befriending all my friends. I need an army and I have non.

And then its the stress. The reality that is how much work I have currently

Yet the only thing that clears my head is reading the news, entering debates, there are things more important!

And sailing. wind in my hair, water edge close. Makes me feel, alive.

Marvellous date

Good times

H(t) > O(t)

t = time spent thinking about

H = Him

O = Others

He took me rowing on the river Avon. He brought all my favourite things for picnic. He also cooked me amazing dinner (plus a tad of pre-dinner sex) and then let me be unromantic and we watched xmen 2.

I want to be a superhero, seriously. 

Nevertheless, good times, I felt like a character in a 18th century novel.

Bad timing

He came over. I played good girl and made dinner. He was Very exited about tomorrow (as you might guess by this post I am not quite so).

1 year celebration.

I by principe don't like the idea. Prefer celebrating every day when you really love each other. Because with a deceiving heart like mine you never know when I'll be cold as ice and when I'll melt in your arms. When that happens its worth celebrating. Not only to prove to everyone how good we are as we have survived a year with monogamy. 

My room still smells of sex since this morning - One should do somehting about that. 

If He wouldn't have been so annoyingly cheery this afternoon i probably would have done a repetition of this morning's antics.  

Still my heart hasn't stopped

I could even look at her facebookprofile without anything happening. I just feel, better than her. Don't care if we have 33 mutual friends. When she is back at this university (yes I do do somehting with my life, not only rant about my confused emotional state of being) they will probably prefer me. And if they don't, I won't care.

This is so unexpected. But whilst trying to understand my black widow tendencies, I won over something inside me I thought would eat me whole.

I am going to change my sheets now. They smell of sex. Good sex by the way.

Rationality faces victory

Maybe I havn't explained properly what a horrendously jealous person I am. 

I didn't use to be, but time burnt me in a ever so painful way and I shall tell you about that later.

One of the reasons I feel so insecure with Him (who showed up at 2 am and rang my doorbell!! Intelligence isn't his thing) is the pain my jealousy causes me and him and probably everyone else that hear my rants.

As my brain works in pattern-logic I have a phobia of exes and other people that has meant something. Every mutual friend, every old photograph, all these things tend to turn my beating heart into ice. It has made me want to leave to get away everything, even during the first joyful months, but I have also feared what would happen if the feeling disappeared.

And it has. Being the horrible person I am, I noticed He had left his emailbox open as he left. Old email. From the ex. Pain, Chainsaws cutting my ribcage.

So I decide to read it. And the painstakingly ugly side of me isn't there. And it isnt absense of love. Its the victory of sanity.

With the "never going to leave you..." and so on, reasoning hits my brain for the first time ever, I feel 3 pounds lighter. She appears ridiculously naive, and probably a blatant liar.

I might be cynical and cruel, but I keep my dignity. Because love doesn't lie in pointless promises, maybe time teaches you both good and bad things.

Nighttime

He will drop by in an hour or so. 

Have missed him so. I am confusion personified. 

Short story; all was well, He has been away and I have missed him. 

Then bbq, boy is there,  with smile and all the deep talks that makes me want to kiss him.

Shouldn't be this way

Today another bbq with man that is radiant of sex. Want to press him up against a wall and rip his clothes off.

Still. I am in love. 

Someone please tell me I am not alone

Clearing the skies

This blog is about ups and downs

When I love the certain someone so much that I suspect divinal intervention.

But also about my filthy depths of indecent sex

Is about the men I desire. The souls that makes my heart beat twice. Or those I only want to please until they scream and get dirty and sweaty with.

Or the women. The secret desires, some of missed opportunities, once again available, some that are gone forever. And the confusion that comes with shivering by a woman's smile. 

Perhaps I just desire to be on my own without having to compromise nor feel alone.

This blog is about figuring wether the fault lies in me, in them or the world. 

I don't know where to start, bear with me, and who knows I might be your secret admirer. 

I desire nothing but the bare necessities

I have a certain someone. 

He is perfect, everyone loves him to pieces.

I love him. Yet the ingenuity of monogamy doesn't apply to me. 

Oh, I haven't even kissed another for the year we have been the ideal couple.

Yet many have been so highly desired, and for me that is worse. It is uttermost horrendous of me to have the feelings for so many others in the way that I do.

I am here to figure out which way to go

Easy as 1 2 3

I am a little girl with much potential of being a Very Bad Person.

I attempt to anonymous. Or I will end up in much trouble soon.

Enjoy the read,

Fatale