Sunday, 11 May 2008

Rationality faces victory

Maybe I havn't explained properly what a horrendously jealous person I am. 

I didn't use to be, but time burnt me in a ever so painful way and I shall tell you about that later.

One of the reasons I feel so insecure with Him (who showed up at 2 am and rang my doorbell!! Intelligence isn't his thing) is the pain my jealousy causes me and him and probably everyone else that hear my rants.

As my brain works in pattern-logic I have a phobia of exes and other people that has meant something. Every mutual friend, every old photograph, all these things tend to turn my beating heart into ice. It has made me want to leave to get away everything, even during the first joyful months, but I have also feared what would happen if the feeling disappeared.

And it has. Being the horrible person I am, I noticed He had left his emailbox open as he left. Old email. From the ex. Pain, Chainsaws cutting my ribcage.
So I decide to read it. And the painstakingly ugly side of me isn't there. And it isnt absense of love. Its the victory of sanity.

With the "never going to leave you..." and so on, reasoning hits my brain for the first time ever, I feel 3 pounds lighter. She appears ridiculously naive, and probably a blatant liar.

I might be cynical and cruel, but I keep my dignity. Because love doesn't lie in pointless promises, maybe time teaches you both good and bad things.

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