Once again, Pardon my absence

I blame it on too much university work

But to the interesting bits.

So yes. I got bored with Kex quite rapidly. So I decided to go celibate.

That worked for a while. 

Until it turned out Mr. Perfect wasn't gay, didn't just want me for a friend. But rather suddenly at a party at his house (where the one writing was dressed up in a donkey costume and the subject for attention as a cow) we start to passionately make out and in a drunken moment of honesty he tells me that he really likes me, how I am the most beautiful girl he knows and that he'd marry me tomorrow.

Breathe

And after a few days panic my stone heart is melting. He is lovely. And when its only the two of us he is certainly a lot more masculine. He now even stops being a gentleman in bed and something tells me he'll soon be making wonders, if you know what I mean...

And it was all well

Where do I start?

The boy/man nicknamed Kex, did very much succeed in his seduction. Honestly, it was never brilliant, but a first time with a new lover rarely is. However he certainly is keen and teachable. It is quite intriguing. 

Next. 

And oh, date with Mr. Perfect went well. We have made plans for dinner next. Have I ever met anyone so well-mannered? No. And he certainly was less camp when there was only me and him. The innocence in him following me home and me giving him a kiss on the cheek is adorable.

So boys out of the way. Mother and sister (age 14) was over. 

Selfridges provided excellent recreation. I now have a beautiful coat and some boots to prevent me from hypothermia. Brilliant. 

And food. Lately sex has been replaced by food. Of growing importance. I read cookbooks. I have started cooking again. Baking. Anything. 

So evidently I appreciated a visit to a beautiful countryside restaurant. The food was perfect. And the St Emilion my mother let me choose to accompany it - exquisite. 

Pardon my absence

I blame it on my ppills. I have been a horrible sad person lately. And oh, sometimes manically happy. 

The Fresher now completely ignores me. Possibly because I turn into a lovestruck 14 yearold whenever he is around; a little crosseyed, drool a little and then I ask a multitude of very stupid questions. 

But its convenient for fancy someon you can't have. Because that prevents me for falling for anyone and getting into more emotional trouble.

However

I have a date tonight with a guy who has been trying very very to get into my pants since the first moment he met me.

And Friday a date with Mr Perfect. Sadly I am convinced he is a closet-gay.

Then My mother and sister arrives and I shall finally eat proper food and shop in proper stores.

Get back on my feet again..

So I think its time he gets a nickname. 

Playback - Joy Division tells me how he is scared of commitment (surprise?) and we should thus be just friends. Sigh boys, what makes them think they are so amazing that women automatically want a relationship with them?

But nevermind. Because Monday night I dump into the stunning young blonde man from last wednesday. And he talks to me. I am already positively surprised. 

And it gets better, because finally something goes my way. As it seems also he want to go for "Do it again and do it right".

To my surprise I find myself back in his room...

To be honest, he is very inexperienced. Not in a fumbling kind of way but in inability of telling the other person what you want. 

But I got things my way. Finally. And it gave me that strength to just leave the depressed state I have wandered in for weeks.

Sway Fatale is back on her feet, ready to create, even more disruption. 

Teenage angst

To be honest. I havn't written as all I could have said would depress anyone. I have been a complete state of sadness, I blame it on my p-pills. 

And that Joy Division now seems to prioritise me just under "change lightbulb in storage room" and "hoover behind the refrigerator". 

It tears my confidence.

And evidently. Everyhting else goes wrong, for example, my sexy car is seriously broken.

Moreover I meet the hottest guy. Albeit a bit to young. But stunning. 

And I completely ruin all my chances there - Dramatically over-intoxicated I could not remember much. Anyhow it seems to have traumatised the poor boy. 

I have probably done one of the following things, or all of them

1. Dug my fingernails into his back

2. Told him to fuck me hard

3. Had scary nightmares

Add to that he had to do the worst walk of shame ever. Especially sad since when he did try to leave at night, but the irrational Sway wouldn't let him. 

So now I have failed with two hot blonde boys within ridiculously short interval. Angst and sad times.

So not a Femme Fatale at the moment..

Feeling Beautiful

To celebrate my coming of age next week me and my sister headed for a night out. We started of at a nice trendy bar with amazing marvelous cocktails. So as we moved on and then found ourselves queuing. And the line moved us more and more backwards. However in contrast to all other eager girls we stood quite uninterested, we had already had a blast of a night and our lives wouldn't end if we didn't get in.
Then the guy holding the guestlist catches my eye. And we exchange smiles. My dearest sister soon has to point out to the oblivious me that he is flirting with Sway Fatale.
This has never happened to me, certainly not in my hometown; After the next smile he exchanges some words with the bouncer and we are moved right past the line into the night club. Simply for looking good.
Self confidence boost? Oh yes.

And of course. He was sexy. We might have exchanged some kisses. I feel like 18 again. Vibrant. Free.

Sway Fatale endangers traffic

Joy Division thinks I am slightly mental. He loves it - I could have killed us but I must be good enough so he let me continue. Or, I know I am. 

Evidently, as he was driving I leaned over and gave him an intense blowjob... 

Thrill. 

Hit me with your best shot

Miss Mortal has gone home, feels very empty here now. Who shall now play guitar hero with me and dance around to ABBA?

Fortunately Joy Division should be here by 1.. 

(Then I hope he leaves before 4 as my sister probably will arrive here then and I feel we are really not at the meet the parents level yet.)

Other than that the finance sector is on the verge of collapse and I seriously dread my future. But if all goes badly, at least I can smile and announce that I am quite good at guitar hero and make an excellent impression of a goldfish. 

An unexpected liaison

"Is Joy Division your boyfriend?" Asks my my increasingly cool/annoying sister (aged 14). I ignore her and she asks another 411 times before I scream in panic and ask her to go away. But she has a point. We do spend time together most days, acting like a couple in public?!?!?! 

But its nice. Lets take it for what it is, he is struck down by an amazon who does even more stupid things than he does...

In general my life is a bit unexpected at the moment. Miss Mortal is over and we have both developed a passion for Guitar Hero. We are convinced that talent in this brilliant game will impress men = get us laid, once back at university (that's approximately 17 days..). Other than that we bake muffins, go for walks and drink tea. I also have a new love in my life, my Surf One longboard, that I think makes me look very cool. The closer I get to my 21st birthday the more of a 11-year-old I turn into.

(And then, a bit too often, we do go to bars/friends houses/restaurants and drink vodka. For some reason, usually in company with Joy Division and his disturbed friends.)

Pardon me. Now I shall go have breakfast with the parents

Catching up for lost time

So, The Ex called and asked if I'd slept with anyone else. So, when he then first asks me "not to tell him if I do", what do you think I should answer. Without blinking I told him I hadn't. 

Same night I fucked the Joy Division. 

Such a boy, slim hips, fumbling but enthusiastic, lovely. Good nostalgic feeling to have sex on a boat (the French-American and I lived on a yacht..). All day he stroked my arm and gave me little kisses. Very very cute. No strings attached but still good laughs and care. This could be good.

I sound like a horrible person, really, I have fallen so hard for Object, but he cannot be mine.And the Joy Divison is no stranger in the dark, he is a lovely boy with the flirtiest smile.I cannot sit around at my parents house feeling sorry for myself. So yes, went sailing with the boys and night ended in a not so unexpected way.

Lets see it like this; Black Widow tries to make the best out of beautiful scandinavian men before leaving for England where she shall live like a nun.  

Autumn approaches

I have always loved autumn. Its colours and heavy rains. The lack of public displayal of affection (I hate spring). Storms.

It has been a heavy week with working late and an obvious emptiness with Object not sitting next to me (He starts to work in a different department on monday and is now on some course learning to wear a tie).
Some days I have been a pathetic walking wreck of rejection.

Yet yesterday he came over. I touched his soft skin to impregnate the memory of his scultured body. Avoided crying as we said our final goodbyes, but I felt that he cared. And content that I did actaully get to see him one final time without the world watching.

Now I need to move on. I am on the right track. I think I have finished crying over men I don't really want. We shall see.

I hope they serve champagne in hell

I completely lack moral standards. I helped M hack her boyfriend's ex-girlfriend's email and Facebook account. With more brutal proof of what a egoistic liar he is (or has been, but that is irrelevant). 

We might go to hell but at least we stand by our actions. 

Moreover I'm on my second official date with midgettrader. As I am not into the whole Lord of the Rings thing I am now trying to find out something nice for a third date that will be very off-turning. Its fun but my sexual desires lies elsewhere...

Trivia: I have a bruise along my spine for having sex against a doorpost (in my living room/bedroom/closet, I am not an exhibitionist!). Its not as bad as the horisontal lines of copulating in a stairway..

Sway kicks back

I went out last night.

Today I had lunch with Midgettrader.

Then I ignored Object

Object kissed me in the elevator

Told me he'll talk to me later and looked like a schoolboy.

I smiled and shrugged.

Went shopping with mother. New makeup and clothes. 

I have not called Object. 

Proud. Sway Fatale rises from the ashes, puts on heels and new lipstick. Ready to wear..

I want to go out and flirt with all the fish in the sea. I want to party and do tequila shots (without ruingin my career). I want champagne to flourish and to dance away the night.

I am after all the capital of extraordinarily hot men.

 And of course, it is an investment for my future to extend my network. 

However, none of my friends seem at all interested. And instead I am wasting my time as youthful single longing for a man who probably doesn't give a fuck about me. And who I probably wouldn't care about if he wasn't so hard to get. 

But I don't know why. I'd like to stay longer. Maybe because I naively hope it will be better. Or because I slowly get to know myself quite well. 

Anyways.

Mother thinks I trying to date Midgettrader would definitely be a small price to pay for the comic value of the meet grandparents scene. 

The Twisted Banter (Never politically correct)

I suggest to my mother, who thinks I should exploit the fish in the sea, that I should go on a date with midget trader (Trader at my work who flirted with me at office party despite being a head shorter than me).

 So that I can find out if his feet actually touch the ground when he sits at his desk...

And you know he is from a good family and we must have something in common as we spoke for ages at the party (I cannot remember about what though).

 

I further conclude that it would be excellent making him meet my grandparents on my father's side. My grandmother means well but formulates herself in a hilarious way, if you have been at the hairdresser she will say 

"O but I thought you looked so good before"

 If she finds your new trousers unique its said by a 

"O what strange trousers you are wearing"

And her classic is 

"Is this really the way you are supposed to look nowadays".

I could hear her say to Midgettrader 

"O, is this how short men are nowadays"

My grandfather would continue the distaster with one of his classic anecdotes. And having no sense of appropriate conversations he would probably start telling anyone interested in listening (which tends to be meet-the-family-dates as they do not know it gets quite boring) about the midgets that worked in his parents theater. 

It would be a modern classic. 

Talking to M we really started to find this poor man very very cute. She thinks I should ask him out, just for Banter of course, I have learnt for experience not to date men because they are cute. Partly because I have much respect for Tucker Max, who actually slept with a real little person .

But It doesn't end there. My mother suggests now that I could cover Backoffice and trading. I should up my game, aim for the senior investor that adored me at the party, to later round of with one of the company owners. Its what they call a career ladder. 

I think I'll pass, but I am now a happy girl in a world of opportunities. Even if some of them are 15 cm smaller than average.

Twisted soul

Evidently everyone backed out from last nights party 5 minutes before we were supposed to meet. I was not impressed. But I guess I needed sleep and wasn't too sad.

Today however has been nothing other than n emotional rollercoaster. I spend hours waiting for Object to call. I watch 4 weddings and a funeral. I cry a lot and fear I will never be loved. The Ex (Formerly known as He) calls and informs me that I am the most horrible person in the world. For 45 minutes. 

Since he doesn't want me I suddenly fear life without him. 

Crying continues. 

Mother calls. I cry. Until she gets annoyed with me and tells me how there is more fish in the sea and that I should get a grip. Its not the right time in anyone's life for me to date Object. Evidently as he just wants to sleep with me (she doesn't know I only wanted to sleep with him too from the beginning), but mostly because he is far to middleclass. My mother is not politically correct. This cheers me up.

Considering the Ex, usually she tells me I am a too horrible person for such a nice boy, this time she doesn't. Now she concludes he perhaps was never intelligent enough to match my game and certainly not a good enough debater. 

I didn't know my mother would understand my twisted sense of humor but form having cried over the phone I make her laugh. And she continues the banter. 

See next post.

Memory Error

I didn't know what to expect form an office party. Boring IT people finding me the perfect person to talk with, drunk people in their 40s on their one night out a year, general embarrassing debauchery. 

Yet no. It turned out a lot better. 

End up opposite a senior investor. Who chose finance because he read American Psycho. I loved him from the first minute. Night goes as planned and networking is amazing. Everyone at the table thinks I am smart funny and attractive. 

The free bar worries me as my plan is to stay quite sober until about 1. But I certainly enjoy myself. At 12 I send an epic text to M "I'm hanging out with a trader, he is almost a midget, hilar" 

Evidently I am now getting more drunk. But I also hang around the bar with a large group of cool traders. Especially the one who is almost a head shorter than me. Brilliant.

Someone from my department starts singing Careoke. I order a double vodka, I squeze a lime into the glass to survive and move to the next level and avoid being embarrassed for other people. 

Midgettrader has many vodka shots in front of him. I get full respect for downing it without any problems (The only thing I learnt at Uni). I get another one. And then I cannot remember much. 

We move onto a nightclub, someone pays my cover, buys me a drink. Think it was Midget Trader. We we're dangerously close to making out. Just for banter from my side. 

Taxi home. Paid for by midget trader after I say no to an after party at his flat. 

Wake up the next morning with 7 missed calls from Object who ended up outside my door but me too fast asleep to hear him knocking. Damn. 

To relieve me of the angst of having had a good time but perhaps ruined my career in some way I cannot remember I borrow 4 books at the library that I probably will never read. Then I walk around the island. Its a mile. 

I'm even more tired now and more drinking starts in 40 minutes. Lets hope I don't meet anyone from yesterday. I am not ready for that yet.

Guilt Makes a Good Lover

Object turned me down Wednesday night. When I finally heard from him late at night he had a perfectly fine explanation but I had a weak time in my life that evening. 

When you have a relationship based on attraction, when he says he might show up later and then doesn't, it means to a weak heart that I am not attractive. 

Suddenly Thursday he changes his plans to that he comes over and I have never heard so many compliments from a man... 

Sex was good but almost broke my uterus. Later on some careful fornication however had better results. Woke him up with a blowjob.  

Slept far too little. Will be a long weekend.

Marathon

I don't think I have really slept yet. I continued my horrible streak of absent confidence and called the Object as I left the nightclub at 3.10 AM. He was still out but didn't seem too hate me for calling. 4.20 AM He calls asking for my address as he is getting into a cab and coming over here. 

Bingo.

We have sex for hours. Then we pass out and then we have sex again. Just as we are on our way to go back to sleep he realises its 10am and he was supposed to meet his brother at 9 (some people never learn). Still. Sex is getting good. I love his body and the way he is experienced. 

I love the way he pulls my hair but as I am a fake-blonde with a passion for hairspray I might have to ask him to dominate me in some other way or I will soon be bald. But hmm, small price to pay for being fucked like you are the sexiest girl in the world... 

Fatale on a low

I want to go out on a manhunt. 

I feel like 17. 

Dinner with the object went well but the sex wasn't very well synked and now he hasn't called me back.

I know its a very non-femme-fatale thing to do to worry when this happens but at the moment I am quite fragile - break-up reality is perhaps hitting me a bit. 

I need to go out party and make out with innocent blond summerboys with slim hips. On a confidence-low and I need so radiance. Object has too much self-control (remember I am used to boys without any control at all) to boost it. 

Something has to be done.

The Ultimate List

I thought I'd give you a flash of truth. I don't mean as in my Sharon Stone impression yesterday though...

However I get asked how many men and women I have slept with and I thought this could provide some interesting reading.

16 men.
No women because when I finally dared to He came into the picture and fidelity was the thing back then. But I have a woman in mind for making number 17..

Here we go

1. First Boyfriend - Although he was 21 he was ridiculously inexperienced and I spend too much time leaning back thinking of England
2. X, First adventure - Fling with hot Australian during a family holiday.
3. The older boyfriend - He was 25 and I was 18, to me he was very experienced and exciting. He was the ideal boyfriend, brilliant career in front of him, musically talented, polite and good-looking. However he was short and far to mature for this wild child.
4. The skibum. At the time I thought I was really cool. We had sex in a public hottub outdoors in the middle of the night. It was good, but, I now find hot tubs a bit disgusting.
5. The French-American. This is a brilliant story. I'll tell you about it when I have time. In short I moved onto his family-yacht the day after we met. We had ridiculous amounts of good sex and I took up the habit of smoking after copulation.
6. Mushroom 1. The only one I ever would have titulated fuckbuddy. I was put-off the idea after this guy. He was 26 I was 19. He looked like 20 though. He quickly got boring (as I started seeing Mushroom 2). He saw my house, suddenly wanted a relationship. Goldigger, I dumped him by pretending I was going to Amsterdam when I was off to Paris. Then I texted him 3 weeks later saying I was staying in Holland.
7. Mushroom 2. He had a fulltime job, was a fulltime student, and modelled. And he was very nice to me. I was really into him but fucked it up by playing hard to get. He had problems getting hard enough but I guess sex for once wasn't central in a relationship.
8. Corridor incest #1. He had the smallest penis I have ever seen and he was quite inexperienced. I wasn't that bad but nothing to remember, oh except for that he appearently found me very sexy wearing pyamas shorts and a large band t-shirt, that's cute.
9. Corridor incest #2. I really liked this boy. But sadly he was nothing more than a boy. Sex was lovely and he made me smile. Then his girlfriend showed up one day and of course he didn't keep his promise and break up with her. I hope she is still unhappy because I serisouly thought their relationship was over and then she turns up in my corridor, claiming back my almost-boyfriend and trying to turn all my friends against me.
10. The Banker. To heal my broken heart I went to London to attend a party hosted by nr. 3 on this list. Sway meets hot swedish banker who takes her back to his place. Sex is good but he never calls. Then I sulked but now I know that is how life works.
11. The French Exchange Student. Come on, everyone has slept with a visiting student. Mine was hot, spoke moderate English, was ok in bed (I was jsut very happy to get anything, had been far too long), and left early in the morning. We both promised to call but neither made an effort to exchange numbers. A good one-night-stand.
12. The footballer. Amazing body. I don't like tattoos but his were just perfection. He was a former UK Premier League Goalkeeper who's career had ended prematurely. Sex on the beach and a lot in the hostel shower.
13. Mushroom #3. Thought I would die when I found out this boy had the same name as 6 and 7. This however was the perfect one night stand. We actually had sex in his hostel bed. But he was amazingly talented, not experienced I think just a natural. And stunningly beautiful.
14. The friend. This guy was one of my best friends. We felt more but didn't know what so we started sleeping with eachother. It healed many heartwounds even though he was very inexperienced. If I broke his heart I'm sorry.
15. He. Sex with him was always amazing. Especially as it was the longest time I have ever spent with anyone, after some time he knew exactly what to do in bed.
16. The object. I have never been so turned on by anyone in my life. He is very experienced with an amazing body - I think this can develop into a very memorable experience.

Sway Fatale goes for the Basic Instinct

Keeping busy with exquisite dinners and rapid shopping whilst my mother is in town for business. 

Left tomboy style for while and turned up for work in skirt and heels again. But the heels now a little bit more expensive and the skirt a little bit shorter. Armani and Filippa K had the honour to dress me.

And I sent Object and email asking if he had seen Basic Instinct. He is very cute wehn he is confused. I follow up by telling him to look left and at my legs. 

I cross legs, uncross, and cross them again. 

Fatal. 

Its all one foreplay. Tomorrow he is coming over for dinner and I am the dessert. And possibly the starter. 

Hell on High Heels

Object tells me he wants girls that take what they want in the bedroom. 

Trust me babe, I will. I honestly like to be submissive. Except for seduction. 

I enjoy mesmerizing someone.

I think I'll take my 12 cm heels out and show him a little bit more of what I have got..

Success

Hosted a brilliant dinner party last night, turned into "party like its 1988". Someone even made hotshots?!?!?!

Brilliant.

Yet more importantly. The object stayed the night. 

His body should be eaten with a spoon. And it seems physical exercise perhaps improves sexual performance. He managed to perform 4 times in the night. With someone you have not slept with before. Unbelievable. 

There definately have been too many boys frequenting my life during the last 2 years. Men are so the new black..

It might be a keeper.

Where the action is

I have promised Him he will be my lover when we are back at university. The scene there is appalling - everyone hot is either taken or a too good friend for it to be a good idea (friendship incest sucks). We shall see. Good sex would then be easy at hand. 

But nevermind. The horrible Sway has already moved on. Soon Sexobject will be on a plane heading here. 

I have bought a new set of black underwear. Losing weight has turned my Dcup to a Ccup. They used to be nice and full. Now they look like the breasts of a 15 yearold. Seriously they look like they are under development? 

I don't understand my body.

All I know is that it really wants sex with the object.

Up to date..

Tuesday

8.50. Sway is already unbelievably horny and sends Object indecent emails

14.05. Sway and Him breaks up

17.50. Sway pushes object up against the wall in the elevator leaving work and makes out. 

Unfortunately we only work at the 4th floor..

Since then. Very indecent emails. 

Confusion leading to me rejecting nocturnal invites due to a vague feeling I have enough guilt in my body already.

Friday. He arrives in the country, I go to my parents house on the westcoast where I am going to spend my 1 week vacation and he joins me. . Its bi-polar. Tears. Then laughter. Then cuddle. Little sex (although clearly not a s good as it used to be..). Confusion. 

I tell him final decision will be made on Wednesday. But to me its clear.

I am a very horrible person. He will only be my friend. 

Object's parents live in the area. He comes to visit them on Friday. O yes. Now I have no doubts, He shall be my new lover. 

Evidently

All I can think of his his hand on my stomach as we slept in my messy apartment. 

His smile when he said "I need to do this" kissed my lips and then "Don't worry, that is me, you have done nothing".

I really don't miss Him

I am a horrible person

Limbo

You don't wake up one day not loving. You wake up with the realisation, that it has been a while, since you actually loved.

She is still here and as bad as ever

Havn't written for a while. Mostly since life first was very stressful and then filled with drama. Ganging up on eachother and crying over the phone.
i said I would never do lon-distance again and here I am doing it, not so well.
And recently it went form bad to worse.

There is a sex object at my work. Sexobject took care of me when quite drunk I had a major fit about how doomed my relationship was.
He slept in my bed.
I used every single ounce of self-preservation there is to not completely give into my desires.

Cannot remember ever being that turned on. Fact is just his voice makes me, tingle, to avoid obscenities...

Yet a large difference between him and many of the other male varieties that could lead me astray is that sex object is an adult, 5 years my senior (but by that not even near the oldest person that has taken my fancy.. I mena I accidentally went on a date with a man aged 60)
Thus he seemingly waits for me to sort my life out before anything mroe happens.

Stay around because soon I actaully will have to make a decision..

2 Worlds

We had sex twice yesterday. I hadn't seen Him for a few days and I had been filled with such feelings of loneliness, and horniness.

2.15 pm. IloveyouIloveyouIloveyousomuch and as he is huge and hard inside me tears roll down my cheeks. I whisper how much I love him and I cry. Mmm and then we speed up and as he trusts he bites my nipples hard. Surprisingly much satisfaction and it soon makes me come for a long long time.

8.00 pm. I love having my sexdrive back properly and after the emotional experience earlier it was time for something more hardcore. I find a secret selection of porn in his computer and I make him watch it with me. He comes in my mouth and then his fingers makes me come three times.

Two worlds apart are those two experiences. But one of the reasons life with Him is brilliant is that his libido is even larger than mine, and he never fails to perform exquisitly wether its romantic or blindfolded and handcuffed.

Beautiful

I woke up by Him telling me that I was so beautiful he would now smile all day.

How irresistible is that?

Nevertheless he is only a man/boy. Yesterday I used a tie to pin him to my bedframe then made myself come whilst giving him a brilliant blowjob. 

Im good. 

Connubiality

I am getting used to having him around every night once again. This autumn, with my room in disarray and a temperature of about 14 degrees, I spent most my time either in his, slightly warmer room, or with him in my bed, as a virtuous radiator. Lately we have both needed more space to breath and deal with university issues, however this is the first night since thursday that I shall be sleeping alone.

Though I was in a tremendous hurry this morning/lunchtime his horniness was enough to convince me that I deserved even more sex. 

With his always very impressive morning hardness he did a good taking me from behind up against a wall. Until my arms started cramping and we needed to move into my cramping bed. He suggested the floor, but I can't really remember the last time the hoover worked. So perhaps not. 

Note to self: clean floor, and maybe desk. Need more space for sexual endeavors.

Achilles' tears

Photo of Him and his best friend, last girl he slept with before me, in bed together with implied nudity. I think what hurt me most was that they seemed so happy, and that I too well know the power of close friends, especially those who have been you a tad too close.

Of course, its an old photo, naturally I am overreacting but as I write insight comes to me. Its the vulnerability. Because this isn't the ex he doesn't speak to, this is his closest female friend. 

Another Femme Fatale. And though his innocent brain may not figure it now I certainly know, he has my weak point. he could hurt me more than anyone. 

I bide my time. Brutality is, it would only be, if I hurt him first. 

Currents

I am filled with love. He is the only one on my mind currently.

And horrendous streaks of jealousy of his ex-girlfriend slowly befriending all my friends. I need an army and I have non.

And then its the stress. The reality that is how much work I have currently

Yet the only thing that clears my head is reading the news, entering debates, there are things more important!

And sailing. wind in my hair, water edge close. Makes me feel, alive.

Marvellous date

Good times

H(t) > O(t)

t = time spent thinking about

H = Him

O = Others

He took me rowing on the river Avon. He brought all my favourite things for picnic. He also cooked me amazing dinner (plus a tad of pre-dinner sex) and then let me be unromantic and we watched xmen 2.

I want to be a superhero, seriously. 

Nevertheless, good times, I felt like a character in a 18th century novel.

Bad timing

He came over. I played good girl and made dinner. He was Very exited about tomorrow (as you might guess by this post I am not quite so).

1 year celebration.

I by principe don't like the idea. Prefer celebrating every day when you really love each other. Because with a deceiving heart like mine you never know when I'll be cold as ice and when I'll melt in your arms. When that happens its worth celebrating. Not only to prove to everyone how good we are as we have survived a year with monogamy. 

My room still smells of sex since this morning - One should do somehting about that. 

If He wouldn't have been so annoyingly cheery this afternoon i probably would have done a repetition of this morning's antics.  

Still my heart hasn't stopped

I could even look at her facebookprofile without anything happening. I just feel, better than her. Don't care if we have 33 mutual friends. When she is back at this university (yes I do do somehting with my life, not only rant about my confused emotional state of being) they will probably prefer me. And if they don't, I won't care.

This is so unexpected. But whilst trying to understand my black widow tendencies, I won over something inside me I thought would eat me whole.

I am going to change my sheets now. They smell of sex. Good sex by the way.

Rationality faces victory

Maybe I havn't explained properly what a horrendously jealous person I am. 

I didn't use to be, but time burnt me in a ever so painful way and I shall tell you about that later.

One of the reasons I feel so insecure with Him (who showed up at 2 am and rang my doorbell!! Intelligence isn't his thing) is the pain my jealousy causes me and him and probably everyone else that hear my rants.

As my brain works in pattern-logic I have a phobia of exes and other people that has meant something. Every mutual friend, every old photograph, all these things tend to turn my beating heart into ice. It has made me want to leave to get away everything, even during the first joyful months, but I have also feared what would happen if the feeling disappeared.

And it has. Being the horrible person I am, I noticed He had left his emailbox open as he left. Old email. From the ex. Pain, Chainsaws cutting my ribcage.

So I decide to read it. And the painstakingly ugly side of me isn't there. And it isnt absense of love. Its the victory of sanity.

With the "never going to leave you..." and so on, reasoning hits my brain for the first time ever, I feel 3 pounds lighter. She appears ridiculously naive, and probably a blatant liar.

I might be cynical and cruel, but I keep my dignity. Because love doesn't lie in pointless promises, maybe time teaches you both good and bad things.

Nighttime

He will drop by in an hour or so. 

Have missed him so. I am confusion personified. 

Short story; all was well, He has been away and I have missed him. 

Then bbq, boy is there,  with smile and all the deep talks that makes me want to kiss him.

Shouldn't be this way

Today another bbq with man that is radiant of sex. Want to press him up against a wall and rip his clothes off.

Still. I am in love. 

Someone please tell me I am not alone

Clearing the skies

This blog is about ups and downs

When I love the certain someone so much that I suspect divinal intervention.

But also about my filthy depths of indecent sex

Is about the men I desire. The souls that makes my heart beat twice. Or those I only want to please until they scream and get dirty and sweaty with.

Or the women. The secret desires, some of missed opportunities, once again available, some that are gone forever. And the confusion that comes with shivering by a woman's smile. 

Perhaps I just desire to be on my own without having to compromise nor feel alone.

This blog is about figuring wether the fault lies in me, in them or the world. 

I don't know where to start, bear with me, and who knows I might be your secret admirer. 

I desire nothing but the bare necessities

I have a certain someone. 

He is perfect, everyone loves him to pieces.

I love him. Yet the ingenuity of monogamy doesn't apply to me. 

Oh, I haven't even kissed another for the year we have been the ideal couple.

Yet many have been so highly desired, and for me that is worse. It is uttermost horrendous of me to have the feelings for so many others in the way that I do.

I am here to figure out which way to go

Easy as 1 2 3

I am a little girl with much potential of being a Very Bad Person.

I attempt to anonymous. Or I will end up in much trouble soon.

Enjoy the read,

Fatale